Jewelry, Grief, Self Anguish, and Living Again.

Ok, now if you don’t know me well you need to start out with some basic facts of my life. My life has bursts of tragic episodes. I get asked when I need bereavement days, again, if I am serious.

My life went along fabulous. Great grades, great family, great health, great success. Perfect.

It all crashed and burned right before the new century. December 1998, my mother suddenly dies. of an unknown health issue. March 1999 my very serious boyfriend dies of his genetic health issue, but again no warning. Not like warning makes any difference, but man does it make the people around you show their true colors.

If you knew me say in high school, I just want to make it clear that you knew a completely different person. My life ended my junior year of college. Eventually, I picked up the pieces and have a new life and a new me. But two completely different people and two completely different kind of lives.

I’ve done therapy (if you live in the Finger Lakes Region and are looking for a mental health professional I can rec a great one. )

So today, I am going along enjoying the last day of vacation. Ran and picked up the cat’s meds. Had breakfast. Brought my husband lunch at his office.

And I hear on the radio, wow it has been 20 years since that movie Titanic. Cue brain freezing. Cue me just trying to get home.

Because you see (and there is a great picture of that night). I saw Titanic in theaters with Michael. He had to drive because my ankle was in a cast (another problematic life struggle for me is that foot). After the movie, we sat in the parking lot of the mall on the hood of my mom’s car. He made me promise that if anything happened to him  I WOULD GO ON (like the song).

Please note, I am a self sadist and am having my students perform that song at the spring concert. Why not stick a knife in the wound every day. Right, just hand me a fork to stick in my eye next why not!?

One of the things I worked on in therapy was how to remember the people I had loved and lost and how to deal with my grief overlapping. I was encouraged to wear the things Michael had bought me, the jewelry I had inherited from my mother.

As these past few years have gone on, that has been impossible. It is such a basic way of honoring and keeping these people in my life but fear has kept me from it.

Today, through the tears, I pushed myself to take out the long chains I bought. Long because they will go over my head and that solves the panic of a ring falling off while you undo the clasp. These are the things that keep me up at night.

I made 3 necklaces with charms etc, and many more  bracelets (90s chokers linked together). I feel a sense of relief and joy that I can enjoy these pieces that link me to those I love.

Then I sat down to write this blog and cried. Cried like I haven’t in about a year. Not since being at my aunt’s grave.

So I share this to you: Grief has no statute of limitations. Do not expect it to for yourself or those around you. Don’t keep things or feelings locked up inside or out of sight.

I wanted to share pictures here but I feel they are too private. But if you see me wearing some unique jewelry, know that I do it because I love and feel so deeply.

 

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